How would I find out if my crush was a zombie?
First, I would be in that “stalker” phase. It’s the stage where you’re pretty much stalking your crush. I would observe how he walks, talks, and basically interacts with the physical world around him.
Second phase, I call it my “blood phase.” First step is to find out where he may be going to eat dinner out with friends or family. Second step would be to get the waiter’s clothes and disguise myself as a waiter. Next, I would somehow acquire an animal brain (live in the hill country, shouldn't be that hard) and serve it to him on a platter all fancy-like. If he looks up at me with a questionable face, then I would have to apologize and say that every once in a while the restaurant likes to keep the Halloween spirit alive.
Third phase, would have to be to just let all of my feelings out for him. If he just stands there with wide eyes (looks like they’re focused on my forehead) and only responds with a “uhhh,” then I should increase my suspicion that he might in face be a zombie.
Fourth phase, would be to actually see if his body is suffering from any types of either decay or skin peeling (to the point where you see muscle and bones). This phase might be difficult, but I’ll find a way. Another sign would be to see if he smells bad. If he in fact smells of death or rotting-ness, then that be a sign!
There are probably more ways to figure out if my potential boyfriend could be a zombie, but this is the level I would take it to. The most extreme would have to get a blood sample and do tests.